New Treatment Ways: June 2010

Beauty Shopping: Dior Eye Shadows and Estee Lauder's Bronze Goddess

I just cannot help myself when I see makeup in golden shades... So when my eye caught Dior's eye shadow from their summer 2010 collection Golden Spotlight 616 I could not resist... I just had to have it... It took me 1 minute to think... or not to think it over and I bought it right away... Beautiful... beautiful eye shadow with a wet intense sparkling effect... aaaahhh I love it!I also decided

Read the Fine Print

With my nose completely shut due to allergies, out of desperation the other day I took an OTC antihistamine. It was Italian day at lunch and I had grown weary of not tasting any of my food, so ignoring the instruction panel I ripped open the package where the headline read "Daytime Safe Formula" and took the tiny white tablet without even a glance at the label. Big mistake.

Exactly twenty minutes later, with my eyelids heavier than concrete and ravioli dripping from my chin, I lifted my weary, sleepy head out of my plate, and with all the effort I could muster, focused a magnifying glass on the small print on the side of the box and read to my dismay: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

"Whaaat?" I said to myself, "this is supposed to be 'Daytime Safe'! Safe for what - outpatient surgery? I felt like I had been shot with an elephant dart full of thorazine, and in tiny 4-point helvetica type they whisper "may cause drowsiness?" Whatever that stuff was, in my view it would have been much more honest to reverse the whole thing, and label it a "Guaranteed to Put You To Sleep Medicine" with a smaller mention of "May also help control your allergies."

Regardless of the intent, the combination of the misleading package headline and the small print on the instructions ended up costing me a half day of cogent thinking, as I sleep-walked through the remainder of the day.

It could have been worse. Some of the newer drugs advertised on television really scare me. Have you seen any of these commercials? Thanks to recent regulations, when a drug manufacturer advertises on TV they can't hide the fine print like they do on packaging, because the FDA makes them actually say all the ugly stuff on TV.

For example, there's a new weight-loss drug by Glaxo Smith Kline promoted on TV called "Alli." On the shelf in the drug store, you might be drawn to it. The box is cute, with rainbow colored lettering, all very easy to read and "safe-looking." The TV commercial has skinny people frolicking in a field, wearing all white.

But on TV, they are mandated to say all the fine print that you wouldn't normally read, and it's pretty hilarious, if not frightening.

"Side effects to Alli include gas with oily spotting, loose stools, more frequent stools, and stools that are hard to control."

I don't know about you, but no matter how much weight I lose, I've always found it difficult to look svelte when the gas I pass leaves an oily spot. And I'm thinking the last thing I'm wearing when I take Alli is white pants.

I'm serious. This is not hyperbole. Here are a couple more:

Requip - a dopamine drug to counteract tremors: "side effects include an unusual urge to gamble and increased sexual urges and behaviours."

So it's either the shakes, or I turn into Hunter S. Thompson? That doesn't sound like a good deal to me.

Accutane - an acne medication: "side effects include crying spells, rectal bleeding, and bone fractures."

Now I may not remember all the details of my adolescence, but I'm pretty sure at age 14 that I probably would have learned to live with that pimple on my nose, if it meant walking my clean, acne-free face around high school with a broken leg in a cast. And yes, I admit it, macho-boy not withstanding, I would definitely be in tears, crying my eyes out, if I put the cream on my face and my butt started bleeding! Who wouldn't at age 14?

Reading the fine print is even more important for us fighting this disease, because research has shown that with our immune systems in overdrive, or out of whack, our bodies often react quicker, or more strongly, to published doses.

We also sometimes react to other people, or other circumstances, differently, or more strongly as well. That's because our Central Nervous System is under attack, and our "senses" are often attenuated.

Yesterday a woman at the gym had her personal aerobics CD blaring from her iPod, not using her ear buds as is the policy, so I was forced to listen to what for me was like nails on a chalkboard. It wasn't the oldies music so much that I minded, but the invasion into my brain of the super-animated Richard Simmon's voice, urging me to "Come on!" a dozen times per minute.

When I asked her to use her earphones "please!" she surprised me by saying "there's just two of us here, it's not that loud."

I couldn't believe it. My ears were ringing, and she thinks it's "not that loud?" Right then my wife arrived and I thought I'd get reinforcements. As she got on the treadmill I asked her if the noise bothered her, and to my surprise and dismay she said, "no, not really. It's not that loud."

Not that loud? To me it felt like Richard Simmons himself had taken up residency in my gym shorts, and had placed a megaphone an inch from my face screaming. At that moment I saw myself in the wall to wall mirror, with my eyes dilating, my brow furrowing, and the anger starting to rise.

These were the "side effects" of the disease I battle, the "fine print" about my health that most people didn't see or discover until something like the Richard Simmons episode ignited them, or revealed them.

Sometimes I can feel my heartbeat increase, and blood pressure rise. Other times I can feel the weight of a dark cloud. If I'm fortunate enough to be near a mirror, one sign that many of my doctors have confirmed is pupil dilation.

My wife has gotten used to these "side effects" and often snaps me out of them with focused little comments like "your eyes are dilating again" or "you look like every orifice in your body is about ready to burst."

That last one usually does the trick, because I can actually picture the scene. It always starts with me frolicking in a field, wearing all white.

Rituals of Passage

In Risking Connection© training we read a letter from a woman who grew up in the child welfare system in the 19950s. She was asked by her therapist, Dr. Kay Saakvitne, (one of the RC authors) what she would want people who worked in that system to know. In her letter she speaks eloquently of the lack of continuity when one is moved from place to place. It is very hard to develop a secure sense of self when there is no coherent narrative of ones life, no pictures, no one to remember the various parts. People appear and disappear. They each say something different about who you are.

This letter makes me think about all the ways we create that narrative for our own kids: we tell them the story of how Mommy and Daddy met, of their birth. We describe their ancestors and say they resemble Aunt Jane. We say "all members of the… family always…" We remind our teenagers of embarrassing things they did when they were kids. When the kids are 57 they are still expected to display the characteristics that were assigned them at age 5.

The author of the letter implores us to ask our clients about their pasts in conversational ways, to help them construct their story. When possible, create a life book with pictures and mementos. When they have to move, explain why, give them time to prepare, and relate the new place to the old- for example, point out both places on a map.

What can we do to help the child put her time with us into her story? One residential (Sunrise, Kentucky) reported some interesting rituals. One is to create a memory box for a child when they arrive. During their stay put in souvenirs, mementos, pictures. When they leave, add messages from staff and kids and send it with them. Another site described a ritual in which they buy the child a necklace. They pass the necklace around to each child and staff, and each states a wish which they are attaching to the necklace to go with the child.

What hello and goodbye rituals does your program do? How do you create a sense of meaning and continuity for your kids during these crucial times of passage?

Beauty Review: Guerlain Substantific Neck Decollete Treatment Spf 10

Promise:Helps to stimulate the skin’s natural activity, the skin is intensely redensified, regains its natural consistency, plumped from withinLeaves skin looking more even and radiant, prevents the appearance of pigmentation marksProduct Profile in Short:Non oily, richly textured neck and décolleté treatment enhances and smoothes these delicate areasClose-up on Active Ingredients:Active

Free Everett Washington STD Testing Clinics

The only authentic way to know for certain if you’re infected with Gonorrhea or any other STD is to have a doctor test for the infection. It’s very important to see a physician at the very primary sign of Gonorrhea or any other STD because of the health risks that may happen if left untreated for periods of time.
Below is the list of Free Washington STD Testing Clinics

International Community Health Services
720 8Th Avenue South, Suite 100
Seattle, WA 98114-3007
Phone: 206-788-3785

La Clinica Community Health Center
515 West Court Street
Pasco, WA 99301-3737
Phone: 509-547-2204

Metropolitan Development Council
721 South Fawcett, Suite 201
Tacoma, WA 98402-5502
Phone: 253-284-9009

Columbia Basin Health Assn
140 E. Main St. , P.O. Box 546
Othello, WA 99344-0546
Phone: 509-488-5256

Columbia Valley Community Health services
600 Orondo #1
Wenatchee, WA 98801-2800
Phone: 509-664-4572

Colville Confederated Tribes
P.O. Box 290
Nespelem, WA 99138-0290
Phone: 509-722-7627

Community Health Association of Spokane
3919 N. Maple Street
Spokane, WA 99205-1349
Phone: 509-444-8888

Community Health Care
101 East 26Th Street
Tacoma, WA 98421-1108
Phone: 253-597-4550

Community Health Centers of King County
955 Powell Avenue, SW
Renton, WA 98057-2908
Phone: 425-277-1311

Community Health Of Central Wa
1806 W Lincoln Avenue
Yakima, WA 98902
Phone: 509-452-4520

Can I Get Gonorrhea From Toothbrush

Yes, it is possible to get gonorrhea infection from the toothbrush of an infected person. But the chances are very rare.
So always use your own toothbrush. Never share it with anyone.

Can Doxycycline Treat Gonorrhea?

Doxycycline can treat gonorrhea as well as urinary tract infections, acne, and chlamydia, periodontitis (gum disease), and others. Doxycycline can also used to treat bumps, blemishes, and acne-like lesions root by rosacea. Doxycycline is a tetracycline antibiotic. It works by slowing the expansion of bacteria in the human body.

Essential information you must know about doxycycline:

Do not make use of doxycycline if you are pregnant. It could source harm to the unborn baby, including everlasting yellowing of the teeth later in life. Doxycycline can make birth control pills less effectual. Use a subsequent method of birth control at the same time as you are taking doxycycline to remain from getting pregnant. Doxycycline passes into breast milk and may affect bone and tooth development in a nursing baby. Do not take this medication lacking recommendation from your doctor if you are breast-feeding a baby.

Do not use this medication if you are sensitive to to doxycycline, or to comparable medicines for instance demeclocycline (Declomycin), minocycline (Dynacin, Minocin, Solodyn, Vectrin), or tetracycline (Brodspec, Panmycin, Sumycin, Tetracap).

If you have liver or kidney infection, you may require a dose adjustment or particular tests to safely take doxycycline.

Do not give doxycycline to a kid younger than 8 years old. It can reason permanent yellowing or graying of the teeth, and it can have an effect on a child's development. Dispose of any unused tablets or capsules when they run out or when there are no longer required. Do not obtain any doxycycline after the expiration date printed on the bottle. Expired doxycycline can cause a hazardous syndrome resulting in harm to the kidneys.

Dilemmas of Trauma Informed Care

Our difficulties in treating Mario exemplify some of the key dilemmas of trauma informed care.

Let me introduce you to Mario. He is twelve years old. He experienced severe early abuse including repeated violense both between his parents and directed towards his siblings and him, and has lost his entire family. He has been ejected from three foster homes. His IQ is low average, and his mother may have used substances during her pregnancy with him. He has been in residential treatment for a year and three months.

During the first few months of Mario’s placement, he destroyed a lot of expensive property at the agency. He trashed the gym, broke windows, destroyed a part of the school, and more. After each event he was deeply ashamed and further confirmed in his sense of himself as a horrible bad boy. He would hide under the furniture and refuse to talk with anyone. When he was not upset, he could describe some strategies he could use when something went wrong. But when something did go wrong, and it was often something very small, his emotions would well up and completely take over his mind. A staff member says that he has to wait ten minutes before going to dinner. Mario becomes overwhelmed with a sense of total hopelessness. He knows he will never eat again. His mind becomes muddled and he is unable to think. He is plunged back into his basic reality in which his needs are never met, no one can be trusted, and he has to fight for anything he gets. So he reacts- he throws something, breaks something, threatens someone. Anyone around him would be bewildered. What happened? Waiting ten minutes is no big deal. They try to explain this to Mario but he literally does not hear them. Mario’s pain gets worse and he tries to express and escape it by increasingly aggressive actions. Finally, he is contained and the storm passes. Afterwards, he feels worse than ever.

Elliot is Mario’s team mate (child care worker with a special relationship with and responsibility for Mario.) Elliot is a caring young man, and he sees Mario’s shame and pain. He works hard to form a relationship with Mario and not to give up on him no matter what he does. When Mario is calm, he and Elliot have some great times together. Elliot is proud that he is able to connect with this difficult child, and thinks that their relationship may be part of the reason that Mario has gone a month with no major episodes. Yet, yesterday Mario got into a minor argument with a peer that rapidly escalated into violence. When Elliot tried to intervene and get Mario to take a walk with him, Mario looked at him blankly and said: "I don’t know you. You don’t know me." Elliot felt hurt.

Over all Mario’s behavior improved, his property destruction decreased, and his episodes became further apart. The treatment team members were proud of what they had accomplished, and Mario himself was feeling more hopeful. So he was referred to a therapeutic foster home and began to visit a family. Almost immediately the aggression returned. After several episodes the family withdrew from consideration.

Now, Mario appears to be regressing. He has become aggressive towards people instead of just property. He has had several major, dangerous high-end events. He was hospitalized, and did well in the hospital. Staff felt hopeful and lifted all his restrictions when he came back. As one person described it: "We gave him a blank slate and he smashed that slate into pieces." Staff have noticed that he acts worse when there are fewer staff on duty, or when the shift workers are all female. Shortly after coming back Mario went on an agency trip to a baseball game. On the way back he got into such a major unstoppable fight that several policemen and supervisors needed to intervene. At this point, the team is investigating transferring Mario to a longer term hospital program.

It is always painful when we are not successful in our treatment of a child. When we have been working with relationships, with our hearts open, it can feel personally distressing. We doubt ourselves and wonder if there is more we could do. We feel hopeless for this child, and perhaps less hopeful about our work in general. In short, we feel much the way the child feels.

So how do we react to our pain? And how do we understand what is happening with Mario? It is easy to begin seeing Mario’s behavior as intentional: "he waits until staff are vulnerable and attacks." It is natural to think punishment would help: "he needs to go somewhere where he will get serious consequences for his behaviors. We are being too nice to him. He needs to understand that in the real world he cannot get away with these sorts of actions." It feels like Mario is uncaring: "We don’t have a relationship. When he is upset he does not even know me. He never seems to consider the needs and feelings of anyone else." A common reaction is to retreat, to treat Mario with distant politeness, and stay emotionally closed. It is natural to feel angry, betrayed, sad and hopeless.

Mario may need to be in the hospital. In a hospital adults can physically keep him and others safe using tools residential does not have (high staff ratio, locked doors, etc.) He probably did well in the hospital because right now he needs the feeling of safety that a hospital provides.

Yet I think it is important to re-consider what is going on here, no matter what the outcome. Here are some points for thought:

Mario is not deliberately planning his aggressive outbursts. When he says he is going to try some strategies, he means it at the time (just as I mean it when I say I am starting a new diet on Monday). When he is connecting with adults, he is not planning to trick them. When the chemicals in his muddled brain are calm, he can enjoy other people and plan a different future.

Mario is not looking for times when staff are vulnerable due to less people or all females on the shift. It is possible that at these times he feels less containment and safety, and thus more anxious and more vulnerable to over-reaction when something goes wrong.

I do not think that punishment will help Mario change this behavior. Of course punishment will make him feel worse and more shameful. Yet will it be a deterrent? I do not think that Mario would have access to an awareness of consequences when he is agitated. If he did remember them, he would not care or might feel that they would be just what he deserved. I honestly do not feel that when his brain chemicals are raging he can think to himself: if I do this, I will be in trouble so I shouldn’t do it. Unfortunately I do not think he can even remember: if I do this, Elliot will be disappointed. Instead he already feels that he is totally in trouble and already feels that Elliot is disappointed, or couldn’t possibly be trusted to like him. So what is there to lose?

I also think we overlook the role of stimulation, even from positive events. Staff were being caring and compassionate when they decided to bring Mario on the trip. However, it is possible that the excitement of the trip, although a pleasant experience, was too much for Mario. Keeping his world small and predictable might work out better.

What does Mario need? He needs to be kept safe so that he can experience positive relationships over a long period of time. He needs to learn and practice concrete steps he can take when he first starts to feel upset- and the first step is to realize when he is getting upset. He needs experiences of success and positive action. And he needs some hope- some pathway towards growing up outside an institution, some adults who will love him and stay with him.

These are all things that are very hard for our system to provide. And the pain of this situation leads Elliot to wonder: "Is there any hope for Mario? Are there some kids who never change, and who are destined to spend their lives in jail?"

Can a twelve year old be hopeless? That is a crucial question for us all.

Beauty Talk: How to Get Cute Flat Tummy After Pregnancy

In this post I am continuing to discuss skin care and beauty during and after pregnancy. I have already blogged about my experience with stretch marks and stretch mark creams. Now I want to share my thoughts about one thing that, in my opinion, played a huge role in my postpartum recovery. This important thing is a postpartum girdle! Postpartum girdles are a bit of a controversial topic as there

Beauty Review: Dove Daily Treatment Conditioners

Who would know more about damaged hair than a girl who used to bleach hers for more than a decade… Now I try to limit myself to highlights… well, I confess I do quite intense highlighting :-) Which leaves me with pretty dry dull head of hair.Recently I have been trying out new Dove Daily Treatment Conditioners. I've been using Daily Moisture Conditioner and Intensive Repair Conditioner.I have to

Book Review: Denial

Denial: A Memoir of Terror

Jessica Stern

Publisher: Ecco (June 22, 2010)

I was asked to review Denial: A Memoir of Terror by the staff of its author, and I am glad I had the opportunity to do so. The author of this book is an expert on terrorism and a national security advisor. In Denial she relates her experience that when she was 15, she and her sister, a year younger, were forcibly raped in their home at gunpoint by an unknown intruder. Years later when the police reopened the case in 2006, Stern was compelled to confront the devastating experience and research the rapist’s background. In the course of doing so, she learned more about her family and herself.

For me, the most valuable part of this book was experiencing from the inside, through Stern’s clear writing, what the after-effects of trauma actually feel like. The various trauma experiences interact with other aspects of her family history to produce both strength and blind spots. At times the book was a bit confusing, as the narrator moves between experiences of the rape, experiences within her family, and present life. However, I came to feel that this reflected what it felt like to her: all these aspects creating confusing and inexplicable symptoms that were very hard to recognize or sort through. In reading the book you experience how assumptions about the world that are formed in trauma become unquestioned reality. These assumptions then influence ones’ actions in life such that they are confirmed again and again.

Stern describes vividly the various subtle and more obvious symptoms she developed as a result of her trauma. The reader can experience the intensity and confusion these symptoms cause.

Another strong theme of the book is the failure of the community within the family and outside it to support these two girls. It is astonishing how little help they got, how they were not believed, and how the case was allowed to go unsolved for so long. Stern demonstrates the unwillingness of the community to face the presence of evil in its midst. Years later, a policeman does develop an interest in solving the case and succeeds in doing so. But in the mean time the rapist has harmed many more girls. The function of denial for the individual, the family and the community is demonstrated clearly.

I would recommend this book. It gives us a rare opportunity to experience from the inside the complexity of multiple layers of traumatic experiences and how they affect relationships with family, friends and partners; influence job choice and performance; and infiltrate every part of life. In addition it clearly demonstrates the function and danger of denial.

How Not to Become Invisible

It was worse than just being ignored.

The problem was this arrogant nurse was trying to make me feel invisible - As if I didn't exist - And that I just couldn't permit.

It happened at the clinic. This nurse was a freelance RN hired exclusively by another patient to do her infusions at my Doctor's office, and from day one this RN made it clear that she was above the rest of the staff and patients, using silence as the weapon of choice. Regardless of whether my greeting to her was "Good morning!" or a simple "How are you, today?", for four full weeks she did not respond or say a word, until yesterday. That's when she got my dander up.

As I was seated in the infusion recliner, right at the critical point when my Nurse Gwen was trying to enter my vein for infusion, the RN decided to stand next to me as if I wasn't even there, and speak over my head to Gwen with a negative comment.

"Took me four sticks the other day," she said, disparagingly; which is just about the last thing you want to hear when there is a needle poised over your hand. Of course, it both shocked and distracted Gwen, so as she paused, I decided to fill the space with my voice. My intention was to both rebuke the RN's rude behaviour, as well as illustrate the fact of my existence in the room to her. It was as if I was repeating Oliver North's lawyer, Brendan Sullivan's famous line, "Hey, what am I, a potted plant?"

Shocked and corrected, for the first time in a month she actually looked at me, saw the dilation of my retinas, mumbled an apology, and shrunk back to her corner saying something about her understanding my point.

For those of us who have physical challenges and sometimes obvious disabilities, it's easy for some people to devalue us...

to misinterpret our lack of stamina as a lack of stature;
to view our weakness in posture as a weakness in character;
or to actually take it as far as this RN, and instead of looking at us, or engaging with us, to look past us, over us, or even through us, as if we didn't even exist.

In the original "Invisible Man" series of films produced in the 1930's, the character played by Claude Rains visibly disappears after drinking some concoction, which at first seems advantageous, but over time proves problematic. After enjoying a few fleeting benefits of invisibility, most of the film is about Rains' struggles to be noticed and taken seriously, through his actions, deeds. or when a voice comes out of "nowhere."

Have you encountered people in your circle who patronize you? I call that an attempt to make me invisible, and whether it comes in the form of denial by loved ones, or just plain arrogant behaviour by people in public, I've learned that the only way to counteract invisibility in their minds is with strong actions that make me clearly visible to them - sometimes even including a very loud "voice out of nowhere."

Let me list a few of the ways I change things up from day to day, to make sure that despite my challenges and disabilities, I'm not invisible to those around me:

I Change the Tone and Timber of My Voice - Whenever I feel people aren't listening to me, I'll lower my voice to a whisper, or raise it above neutral. The former requires people to shut up and lean into me to hear, the latter snaps them out of their stupor. The main thing is, I speak at a volume differently than normal. Because I've lived all over the world, I'll also occasionally change my accent. I can speak Southern Californian English as well as the Queen's English, but often if I add my Spanish accent it gets the person's full attention.

I Change the Style and Substance of My Clothes. The fact that my body feels like a dirty washrag doesn't mean I have to dress like one. I've found that the more I dress "up," the less people look "down" at me. A TV producer once told me that the goal of every one of her celebrity clients was to "fill the room" when they entered it, and I've adopted that axiom. So even when going casual, I'll usually pick an embroidered, "True Religion" shirt like "Dog the Bounty Hunter" wears, rather than just a plain white one. It's hard to be invisible when you look like a walking billboard.

I Change Mode and Method of My Communications. If some people usually get emails from me, I'll change it up and call them by phone. If others only receive written letters from me, I'll send them an instant message. In public places with bored workers like Bank Tellers or Fast Food Servers, I'll place my order in a rhyme or a song, just to snap them out of it. By changing the wrapping of my words, I get better reception for my words.

I Change the Scent and Strength of My Cologne. This is right out of Schindler's List, and it is a really simple rule - if they can smell you, they won't forget you, and you are not invisible. I make sure I buy the highest strength cologne, usually brands from France or Germany, or the Bond line from London, which have more scented oil so that my fragrance lingers in the room after I leave.

I Change the Substance and Source of My Credentials. Because I have had over 20 jobs in my life, in a variety of industries, I can "be" a lot of different people depending on the need of the moment. I've shared earlier how on airline flights I sometimes mention that I am a pilot. Sometimes when I can't get service out of certain government functionaries I show them my press pass, because to this day I still am a reporter. One of the best credentials I use when I don't get good service is to mention that I am simply "a regular customer" who will be writing a letter to the President of the organization about my experience with you - and how this story is told "depends upon you, right now. So, let's start with the spelling of your last name." Even if they still treat me with contempt, I guarantee you I am no longer invisible to them. Ever again.

After my infusion that day, long after the rude RN and her only patient left the clinic, Gwen and I were the only two remaining, so I said to her, "Hope I didn't cause you any stress with my comments earlier."

Gwen replied, "After 4 weeks of not talking, I was in complete agreement with you. I was glad you said what you did."

"Yeah," I said, heading to the exit and elevator, "sometimes you just need to speak up, even if it is a "voice out of nowhere."

Gwen gave me one of her super-warm smiles, and I left the office happy.

As the elevator door opened, with my head down, I almost ran into a woman exiting, who I had seen in that building a few times before, but I didn't know her name. I was just about to say "Oh, excuse me," when she exclaimed, "Wow, nice shirt!"

"Thanks," I replied, "Nice of you to notice."

"Hard not to!" she said, sincerely, with a smile.

"Mission accomplished" I said to myself, and Claude Rains, if he was listening.

Beauty Controversy: Sperm Has Anti-Aging Effect On The Skin

Photo by Sperm Art at flickr.comWhat only won’t you slather on your skin in the hope of becoming younger and more beautiful, right!? Oops, wait! Maybe there are limits to the weird stuff we put on our faces. What about recent discoveries revealing that sperm can effectively fight free radicals and have an anti-aging effect on the skin. Some time ago I came across an article in Cosmo (May 2010)

Ah, Young Love

In your treatment program how do staff respond to romantic relationships between the youth? Do you forbid them, in the interest of preventing distractions from treatment? Do you set limits, and what are they- no sex? No holding hands? Do you respond differently to a homosexual couple that live on the same unit than you do to a heterosexual one? Do you facilitate normative teenage activities such as dates to the movies? Anyone who treats adolescents has had to struggle with these and many more questions. And the relationships are often fraught with drama, anger, broken hearts, agitation and obsession. In addition, parents, social workers, licensing and accreditation bodies are watching and have strong- and differing- ideas about what you should do.
Sally and Mark are in love. Or at least they were this morning- this afternoon, as they return from school they are angry and agitated. Rosita just told Sally that she saw Mark talking with Leticia in school. Three other girls have told her that Mark said he thinks Leticia is cute. But Kendra said that Mark told her that he only cares about Sally. The girls will not get ready for the planned softball game- they are gathered in clumps discussing this. And it’s even worse because Sally and Leticia were good friends. Now Leticia is in her room with the door closed and Sally and several of her other new friends are considering ways to kill her.

Meanwhile, on the Boy’s Unit Mark is desolate. He is in bed with the covers over his head. He refuses to do his homework or attend activity. He knows that Sally is going to break up with him and he cannot live without her. He doesn’t even like Leticia! He sticks his head out and begs his roommate Devon to call the Girl’s Unit and convince Sally that this is all a big mistake. When staff say that it is not phone time Devon becomes belligerent and insists that this is an emergency.

What’s a staff to do? All this relationship stuff is getting in the way of treatment. It is paralyzing the entire program. It is so over dramatic and messy.

I would suggest that all the drama and mess IS the treatment. First of all, of course, this is normal teen age behavior. We cannot keep kids in treatment programs for several of their teen age years and not allow them to have teen age relationships. So much is learned in these relationships, so much practiced. If we forbid them (as if we could- they just go underground) our kids will be behind and incapacitated in one more way. Isn’t it better to let them experiment in the relative safety of our programs?

What is going on here? What needs are being met? What can be learned?

Can we assist Sally and Mark in direct communication? Instead of relying on the highly unreliable assistance of all their messengers, can they take the risk to talk to each other about whether Mark wants to break up with Sally and go out with Leticia?

What about the other kids? All of them are feeling important and excited by their roles in the drama. That’s okay. We don’t really need to go outside to play softball. Maybe we should pull the girls together and have a group about relationships- a very respectful and real group. How do you know if you can trust someone? How do girls keep on being friends when boys enter the picture? How do you decide who to believe? What are you looking for in a boyfriend? Etc. These topics are central to all teenagers and they are great to discuss in groups- many important issues come up. For example, in one group I talked with girls about who they can trust and I was saddened by how certain they were that there was no one, especially no boy that could ever be trusted. In another group, one girl had called another a slut. So we wrote on a white board all the characteristics they considered slutty, and had a great discussion of whether they wanted to be slutty and in what ways they were or were not presenting themselves that way. The trick is for the adults to be real, hold to their own values, but remain curious and respectful about the kids’ thoughts and values.

Maybe one of the male staff could go in and talk to Mark about women- you can’t live with them, you can’t live without them. He could talk man-to-man about how to show a woman she can trust you, or about whatever topics emerge. Neither our boys nor our girls have known very many good men, and they desperately need to know that it is possible to be strong and kind at the same time. Another staff might talk to Devon about what a good friend he is and how he can best support Mark.

We have to have limits. One is: no sex with anyone in the program. But if we can facilitate normal teen age things, it will be so helpful to them. For example: could staff take Sally and Mark to the movies (after they recover from this setback) and sit one or two rows behind them? We also have to make sure we are equally respectful to homosexual couples, despite the added complexity of sharing living quarters.

We cannot forbid romantic relationships. We do not need to see them as a distraction from the real work. There is nothing more real or important to a teen ager than their romances. And I have seen youth grow and change because of love, start to have more confidence because someone cares about them, learn how to share themselves more directly and experience the joys of being understood. I have also seen heartbreak, despair and regression. But I’ve seen all these in my adult friends as well. This is what life is all about- and we can use every piece of the emotional upheaval as an opportunity for growth.

Beauty Review and Giveaway: Dove Ultimate Anti-Perspirant Deodorant

If you remember, recently I made a post on how to get lighter and softer skin under your arms. A couple tips included rubbing in whitening lotion and frequently replacing your shaver… Well, just about a week later I was surprised to learn that Dove actually came out with a new line of deodorants developed specially to take care, moisturize and protect the very area of armpits! That’s a really

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